Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
The bump on my forehead, i think, was from falling asleep at front door, on my knees, slumped over. But we played good music so what?
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
Randomize
