my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
She tackled him mid-puke while the other two were cutting up a $60 dildo with a kitchen knife and putting the pieces in a Corona bottle.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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