i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!
let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.
You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
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