I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Stop acting like the Lucky Charms you're feeding people is actually ecstasy.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
Randomize
