i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.
who'd you have sex with.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
