I'm pouring my heart out in these texts and you're going around showing everyone???
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Dude, my back STILL hurts from carrying the team on BP last night.
Randomize
