I didn't know people actually cried after sex.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
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