Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
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Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i'm scootering my little heart out so i'm not late for a weed pickup. this is the meaning of adolescence
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
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