it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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