On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Just saw some dude tumble down the stairs of the bar while leaving...fist pump...and then sprint down the road
We just weren't working out together, on a completely unrelated note some guy that i talked to on his grinder account said i could crash at his place
I envy your ninja level of don't give a fuck
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I had jack at 8 am= instant drunk
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
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