i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
i had to write a bad check to buy franzia last weekend. i have my priorities in line.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Randomize
