i'm going to rape that little man
omg not your brother
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
I often worry that if I get famous, people from my past will recognize me and start talking to the media
Randomize
