You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
So I went tanning and I burned my boobs.
They're like sad pomegranates.
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
