awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
alright. I just need to set some ground rules, no lighting me on fire, and no broken bones. fair?
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
I'm eating your cookies as payment for having to listen to you. Happy sex
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
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