I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
Well he fell three stories from the balcony and still had the strength to fuck me for 2 hours.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
Randomize
