Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I just spent an hour in the shower pretending I was a member of the b-52's. I can't go to work like this
Please write a memoir and name it "Game Boy and Dick Stuff"
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
i look like i'm walk-of-shaming but i'm really showered and re-clothed and rallying. i fool everyone
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
