OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
bad idea #53- masterbating while on period.
the worst part of it wasnt him peeing on the xbox. it was when he showed me his penis and made a kissy face at me. THAT was painful.
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
