All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
