I threw up so much beer last night that my puke had a nice head on it.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
My tits, and hanging out behind a hotel eating pizza.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
At first it will make you think "how is this physically possible?" and then it will ruin an entire food group for you.
I need water and some morals
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
Randomize
