Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
