When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
You were dancing with a coffee pot of rum in one hand and a joint in the other. So that should explain everything.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
my whole checking account just had a funeral down bourban street, paid for that, and then bought everyone 5 shots of fireball...
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Randomize
