you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
He stumbled into my room, flopped on my bed, shoes on my pillow and asked me for a juice box. Then fell asleep with the juice box on his forehead.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
Gov of Georgia is going to allow massage therapists to return to work.
Gives a new meaning to 'Happy Endings'.
Randomize
