Nice. Sry i missed. Also sorry that i pissed on my toothbrush last nite
Sink seemed easy target but balance was no good
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
Is it too early in the day to be getting dressed for the strip club?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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