I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
IDK DUDE BUT HE TIED IT WITH A SHOELACE SO I GOTTA FREE SHOELACE OUTTA THE DEAL. THIS GIVES A NEW MEANING TO LACED DRUGS
Sorry I invoked the "everyones getting smacked including myself policy last night"
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
I just came so hard my hamstring felt like it was going to tear. I am also now a screamer
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
Good, I don't think Coke dipped ring pops hold up in the mail anyway.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
