I asked him where the store BJ's was and he unzipped his pants.
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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