Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Things we need. Powerade. Water in fridge. Mixers for vodka. And reality checks.
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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