im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
You made me brush your teeth last night......for 47 minutes.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
