It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
I don't know what you're doing this morning, but obtaining Plan B is my number-one priority.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
