Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
He was singing R-E-S-P-E-C-T to a stripper between motorboats while our HR manager cheered him on.
Today, I lack passion for anything but Taco Tuesday.
Well I'm nervous now about the consequences of letting you loose
It's a big decision, I respect that you need to think about it.
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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