There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Randomize
