i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
The guy got mobbed on, all hell broke loose. About 20 cops showed up, and this kid somehow convinced a cop that letting him pee in front of him is justifiable. This guy could sweet talk Hellen Keller, he was THAT good
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Randomize
