Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
He just walked from his house to mine. Walked in and asked for a hug and then left.. And he's sober.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Randomize
