Sweater Vest, Chin Strap, Beard, sporting a white Beret- Please don't ever let me be THAT guy.
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
The drink u got me is pineapple something w. Cigarete ashes in it.ima drink it anyway
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
Nothings harder than putting on a frozen condom.. or should I say softer
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Randomize
