it's like everything I expected to see tonight all put together in one at once
that is the greatest description ever
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
We decided we needed a drinks fridge in our bathroom.
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
She's legally too young to drink and was making out with a guy who is ethically too old to drink.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
Randomize
