I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
what i'd really like is a nice helping of naked boyfriend with a side of naked boyfriend.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
Randomize
