Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
Man, i was looking at the pictures i took last night in one i was on the Kentucky line fist pumping with a hobo..wth happened?
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Randomize
