I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Randomize
