You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
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