Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Is it weird to wish your favorite hooker "happy thanksgiving"?
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
My friend came into the apartment in real handcuffs at 4 in the morning. She was laughing and running around and then proceeded out the door...
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
