It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
whose parrot is this?
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Since when is my clitoris pierced?
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
Randomize
