Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I gave you head at the stadium on a Thursday night ESPN game. That damn well better be worth points on the score board!!!
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Well, I wish you luck on finding out who your boyfriend is
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
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