Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
How bad is the voicemail?
You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
At the end of the night i was really thirsty and tied to a bedpost
But I'm currently thinking of all my bad decision making last night and giving myself a time out.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
But truly, sorry about your empty vagina
Thanks boo.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
Either my apartment is haunted or I'm far more drunk than I thought
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
