My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
My T9 Word has dryhumped saved but I can't even get it to figure out bbq.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
It's getting to the point where my ability to get dick pix during the work day is impressing even me. Take that, adulthood!
WHAT IF I SAT OUTSIDE AND STARTED SCREAMING THE LYRICS TO O CANADA WOULD THAT FIX IT
PLEASE DON'T
I need to be put in a corner surrounded by pamphlets of stds and babies
My phone just put together a highlight reel of yesterday's dick pic session, set to music and everything
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
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