i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
You should offer shots at parent teacher conferences..I bet more ppl come
and you stopped teaching...why?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
P.s. There are few things I love more than brand new mascara and you are one of them.
Oh no. He's definitely text-flirting with me. No straight man over 30 has any other excuse to use so many smiley faces...
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