you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Randomize
