So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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