nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..
ya and it worked didnt it??
We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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