I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
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