Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
We now only communicate via Xbox messages. Living together is so easy
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Two of us got arrested. Gonna be delayed a bit. Save me a burger.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
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