I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
as a guy is it bad that even my mom called me easy?
I am watching the most amazing drunk person ever. Literally such a trooper that you can put anything in front of him he'll drink it. His latest reason for taking another shot was: well whatever. I'm never gonna get married anyway.
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