I have demons in me.
I don't even know what he looks like, all i've seen of him is his dick
the rest of him looks just as crooked
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...
He obviously understands you completely.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
