I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
Oh wow. Was walking and just saw her in the pool, fully clothed, ranting on an alligator float. I guess i should go get her before security gets here.
Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
Would it be sharing too much to tell you that my nipples hurt so much that I couldn't comfortably go down the stairs?
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Randomize
