your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
So much to do, haven't done anything except hook up with sailors and work on my tan.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
