you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Some cougar Brit said she loved me. America is bouncing back.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
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