my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
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