Let's just say there is a bloody hand print above my bed and it's not mine. Literally.
I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
Ok there's 63 pics of you jerking it on my camera from New Years. The time stamps say it took you 40 min to get there too. See a doc, your only 22.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
