things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I no longer have the means to support both a women and an alcohol addiction
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